I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
