Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize