I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
