he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
