You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
