if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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