saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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