It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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