JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
