if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
