ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
