I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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