I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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