Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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