Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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