shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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