so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
