Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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