he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize