i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
