I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
