It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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