i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
