you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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