Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pants are for mortals
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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