I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
