LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize