I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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