this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
