My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize