i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
