omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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