the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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