how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So much rum. So many feels.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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