Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
