Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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