I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
