That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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