I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
