Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
