I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
