Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
