He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
