I met the friendliest cop last night
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
