i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
