I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
