today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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