1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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