I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
