Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
