I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
