my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize