I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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