i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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