No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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