So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
